Or: how many bitter greens can I cram into one sandwich? It turns out that the answer is PLENTY.

I was really expecting this to be a little overly bitter, even for me. It was not. Evidently, even a very small proportion of dairy is capable of taming raw arugula and radishes. In conclusion, I have no real reason to ever eat a dairy and bread-heavy store bagel ever again.*

*This doesn't mean I won't, of course.

The anti-bagel

arugula/other leafy green of your choice
parsley
radishes
cream cheese
labneh/other tangy spoonable dairy product
salt, pepper
good bread

First, get our some arugula, parsley, and radishes. Finely chop to create a bowl of delicious mixed vegetables.

If you don't have arugula, things like escarole, radicchio, or endive will provide comparable bitter-greeny taste with a bit more crunch, while chard, spinach, or mixed greens will make a somewhat softer impact. If you don't have parsley, I recommend you plant some.

Other good additions: any other soft leafy herb, scallions, cucumber, carrots, green beans, snow peas, or bell pepper. Obviously, these will all create different tastes, so pick and choose at your discretion. Make sure to slice or mince any more substantial veg as finely as possible, for even distribution.

Mix the chopped veg with a scattering of salt and pepper, a spoonful of softened cream cheese, and a spoonful of labneh, plain good yogurt, or sour cream. Vegetables should totally dominate this mixture. For anti-bagel, we're looking for vegetables barely bound by dairy, not dairy with a pitiful scraping of vegetable content.

Toast your bread if you so desire. Spread with copious vegetable mixture. Add an extra sprinkling of pepper if you so desire.

Fold your anti-bagel together and eat in good health and good conscience.